Depression Hurts

Sorry it has been a little while since I’ve posted. To be honest, I was pretty depressed last week. I received my blood test and EMG results and everything came back fine. Great news, right?! You’d think so. But I this only made me feel more hopeless. Hopeless that I’m never going to find the answer for what is going on with me… Hopeless in thinking that I’m just going to continue living the rest of my life like this… and finally coming to terms with the thought that this might all very well be taking place inside my head.

The endocrinologist did note that my thyroid was a bit off but that was probably because I had been fighting an infection and we would check it again in a few weeks. Great. Okay… Then we talked about how I was feeling and I admitted that I was feeling a lot better having been on the antibiotic. So he took that as great news and spoke to me about meeting with a psychologist regularly and building a strong support system around me. He said he can tell I have a supportive family, but also have one or two close friends that know I have an acute stress disorder and can help me up whenever life happens and I start to fall. I took that in. I do have those people in my life, but I also wanted to have that conversation with my closest friends just to reiterate that.

The EMG was uncomfortable! And I use that word because that is exactly what Dr. Portugal would tell me when he put the metal shockers on me or put the pins in my skin… “Now this is going to feel uncomfortable.” I told him after the first couple of shocks “I love it how you keep calling it “uncomfortable”. This shit hurts!” He just laughed and said “Well it is.” He had a senior resident with him that kept asking me questions about acting and my favorite movies and actors, which was sweet. I told him that I know he is just trying to distract me, haha! But the doctor said I didn’t have any nerve damage and that I have myofascial and muscle tension and to work with a physical therapist a couple times a week and my chiropractor when I have flare ups.

Both of those appointments were in the same day. So needless to say, I was feeling a little down in the dumps. The EMG took place in the city and I was with my Mom, so we decided to make a day of it. And she took me shopping 🙂 I mean, what girl doesn’t like to drown her sorrows in a good ol’ fashion trip to Zara?? Although this made me depressed on a different level because I have put on some weight and felt like my enormous thighs didn’t look too hot in anything I tried on. Now, I know I’m not enormous, but when you go from wearing a size two to trying on a size six jean it’s like WTF?! But whatever. I had a great talk with my grandma prior to this shopping trip and she said that the best advice her mother ever gave her was to dress the body you have TODAY. So if you’ve put on some weight then you’ve put on some weight. Go get clothes that fit you and make you feel good about yourself. Such a true statement. Cuz it really is hard to get yourself up and out if you’re wearing something that doesn’t make you feel confident or comfortable. So maybe it’s my thyroid, maybe it’s depression, maybe it’s my aching myofascial muscles and scoliosis? Who knows! But I might as well start making myself feel better in order to get up and out of this slump.

The past two days I’ve been experiencing anxiety. I was trying to sit down and talk out with my Mom exactly what I was anxious over… I was starting to feel like I needed to get things going with the acting in NYC AND I was trying to work a bit for my Dad and make some money… so maybe I was putting pressure on myself? I also started calling around to make an appointment with a local psychologist, so perhaps that was it? But then I started crying because I almost feel like what more do I need to talk about?! I’ve talked about all of the issues I’ve gone through in my life… do I have a problem letting go of things? Am I doing this to myself?? I also saw my chiropractor, whom did an active release on my left shoulder muscles and my muscles have not aching or twitching since! Owieeeeeeee!! :'(

Well then it dawned on me that maybe it was the Gabapentin that I started to ween myself off of. When I told my Mom and my Aunt that (separately of course), they laughed at me and exclaimed “Well that’s it! Who told you to do that??” Ummmmm, Me? “Why would you do that?!” Cuz it’s not working! And I’m not a fan of taking pills if they aren’t working… Well, apparently I need to do this under a doctor’s care. So tomorrow I have an appointment with my primary care doctor about weening me properly off of the Gabapentin and also discussing… an anti-depressant. Dun dun dun.

Now some of you might be reading this and thinking, “Who care? What’s the big deal? It’s just an anti-depressant?” And others might be flabberghast that I would actually write that in a post. But I’m trying to be as honest as I can through this process so I’m telling it like it is… and there is a HUGE stigma on anti-depressants. Not as strongly as there used to be, but it’s defintely still there. People think of it as shameful or as if there is something wrong with that person. Almost like that person can control it but they are just taking the easy way out. Well I’ll have to say I used to be one of those people. I used to think that anti-depressants were just pills that put bandaids on the issues instead of encouraging the person to dig deep and then heel the wound. Well I’ve done a lot of digging and I still feel like crap, so at this point, GIVE ME THE PILL! I’ve tried everything else to quell, calm, heal, decipher, test and figure out what the hell is going on with me but this. I might as well give it a try…

I said to my Mom, that I guess I just never thought of depression as being something physical. My Mom explained to me that it very much is. And that it is a chemical imbalance in someone’s brain. It’s out of their control. Plus it runs in my family. My Mom was depressed at a time in her life and apparently eight out of ten daughters of women that suffer from depression are likely to also come down with depression at some point in their lives. Now don’t quote me on that but that is what I have heard. So… I’m going to at least give it a shot. That way if I’m still experiencing my aches, pains, numbness, swelling, weight gain, fatigue, etc. after six weeks, I KNOW there is something still going on.

Although the physical therapist I met with today was a sweetheart and actually re-instated to me “What you are feeling is real.” I hadn’t heard that in a while so it was nice to hear that again. She also had me lie on her table and massaged my neck muscles and then sit up and assess my pain. I automatically felt a difference and even noticed that I had more range in my neck muscles. Apparently my sternocleidomastoid (that’s a mouthful) muscles are suffering. She showed me, in a diagram, all the other muscles and areas that they can effect and my pain assessment chart was shaded almost exactly identically to the areas effected in her book. Weird! So that was a nice validation to receive today… hopefully that validation with the theraputic work will continue and I’ll be feeling better in no time! They are Kessler Rehab after all. One of the best rehab facilities in the state. So yeah… we’ll see.